The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
