Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
