your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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