I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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