We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Damn victory sex feels great
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
