just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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