You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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