What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
