i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
