I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
cat food counts as protein by the way
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
