The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
My dick has a subreddit
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
