If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
