His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
