i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
