marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
