If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
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