It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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