Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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