I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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