just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
