Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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