I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
false alarm, still single
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