My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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