so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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