if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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