we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
