I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
