I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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