You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
Come see our sink grown plant.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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