she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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