i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
