final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
