he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
