it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
