Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
