I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
