DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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