I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
