He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
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