I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
this is an emotional support booty call
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
