Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
it was like eating out sand paper
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
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