I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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