I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
