i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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