i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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