is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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