I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
and you fell through a lawn chair
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
