She even gives head with a lisp.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
