In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
