when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
did i walk over a car last night?
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
