I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
3 2 1 whiskey
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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