When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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